Introducing the Incredible Shrinking Matt and Jacquie, a sketch comedy team from Philadelphia; he’s Matthew Schmid and she’s Jacquie Baker. Among many other achievements, they are three times winners of the Dirtiest Sketch in Philadelphia contest – which really is a thing, part of the Philly Sketchfest held annually in November. In 2014, their winning entry featured Jacquie as a teacher, Ms Joan Porter, with Matt as Principal Wilbrahim and the audience as a recalcitrant student, Chase.
Joan has set up an unusual event: Bring Your Kink to School Day. The Principal asks her how she plans to celebrate. ‘Well,’ she replies, ‘I would like to be spanked.’
‘Well, hop on Pop, Joan,’ says the Principal – and on she hops! ‘This whole Bring Your Kink to School thing was Ms Porter here’s idea,’ he explains to the audience as he spanks her, ‘and she has worked so hard…’
‘Harder!’ demands Joan.
The Principal continues giving the audience a piece of his mind. Evidently ‘Chase’ is getting a telling-off. ‘She hung the black leather streamers! She bought every cock-ring in the guess how many cock-rings jar with her own money! She even volunteered her time knitting furry costumes for the less fortunate. She even made the very sign you defaced. You should be ashamed of yourself!’
‘I am!’ she says. ‘Not you, Joan,’ he replies.
The lecture continues: ‘Do you know why she put all that time in? It certainly wasn’t for her benefit. It was for the students.’
Joan moans. And then the action moves on to other pleasures, the least gross of which is toe-sucking. (The banana is also used…)
In the end, the audience gets a black mark on its permanent record, but Joan has evidently enjoyed herself despite Chase’s bad behavior. And so, it seems, did the audience, and the Dirtiest Sketch judges!
So well done, Matt and Jacquie!