No Shit Presents Here

Tiana Leigh bloody hates Christmas.

So it’s lucky she’s a fictional character, the comic creation of comedian Lucia Rovardi Tomlinson, representing the worst of modern womanhood in the disadvantaged, benighted north east of England.

Tiana is vulgar, selfish, lazy, loud-mouthed, ignorantly self-destructive.

She’s utterly awful… and, if you like sardonic observational comedy, hilarious!

And, to return to the point, she bloody hates Christmas, owing to a traumatic experience we’ll come to in due course. Her attitude is summed up in her 2019 Christmas song, No Shit Presents Here. And how does a financially-challenged chav ensure that her seasonal gifts are up to scratch? Easy – she steals them, and boasts about it in the song. Not perhaps a wise move when it has been filmed for national television, and indeed the music video ends with the sound of police sirens heralding the imminent arrival of retribution.

But it’s another kind of retribution we’re interested in, which came to her another Christmas not so long ago, when she crept downstairs to find Santa eating mince pies. And here I’ll let the song lyrics take over:

He was dressed up with a beard,
He said, ‘Tiana, I’m glad you’ve come,
Cos you’ve been a naughty girl this year,
I’m here to spank your bum.’

And so he does – with a TV remote!

Tiana Leigh spanked

‘The bastard left us nowt that year, just a sore arse,’ sings the ungrateful minx before going on to define ‘nowt’ as ‘smellies’, bed-socks and a ‘bit of cash’ – ‘shit presents’ rather than no presents at all. Sounds like someone deserves another sore bottom… What a shame the police don’t use Santa’s methods!

And finally, here’s a behind-the-scenes shot of the spanking being filmed:

And even more finally, you can see the video here.

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